Vampires & Superheroes*

So vampires. They got these long fangs, sticking out of their mouths rite? So how do they talk without ever getting some kind of speech impediment? You never hear a vampire lisping in movies, ever. They’re always these sexy, suave creatures, luring young, nubile women into their lair.

And they live for thousands of years, can you imagine the amount of cleaning and washing and grooming they have to do, day in day out? Don’t they ever get sick of it? I’m surprised they don’t kill themselves after looking at dirty dishes for the nth time**.

Anyways, back to the fang business. I know in movies the fangs are always retractable. Same like Wolverine’s claws. And like most of the other mutants and superheroes, they always gotta look like humans, or retain their human form like, 90% of the time. I mean, can you imagine Wolverine going about his day with his claws out, all the time? Eating a sammich, opening doors, scratching an itch. Ouch.

Speaking of superheroes, ya never see ’em doing much besides brooding and fighting. They gotta eat too right? And pee. How does Batman pee in that suit? Pee flap? Some kind of tube contraption thingy in his suit…? Maybe they all get some kinda Super Pee Holding ability along with their main superpower.

And don’t get me started on the female superheroes’ outfits. I’m okay with them being skimpy (they look good and besides, who’d wanna fight in a shabby overall, looking like a dump?), but with the big boobs they all seem to have, the outfits just don’t seem like enough to keep em babies secure enough, ya know what I’m saying? In real life, they’d be bouncing around, enough to distract the most serious super villain. I’m guessing duct tape, or Magical Bra.

Then ya got the super strength thing going on. How do the supes get so much strength without an increase in muscle mass? They gotta come from somewhere, right? Maybe super strong muscle fibres? And when they punch something real hard, that must hurt like hell, cuz for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, no? Maybe they also have a reduced number of pain nerve cells. I guess that helps when you crash down six floors of concrete when fighting, and not even an “ouw”. I guess that’s just not cool.

I know, I know. Movies are not real. Why make movies so realistic when people watch movies as a form of escapism? I guess it just gets boring after a while, ya know? They tell the same story over and over again, and people die, but not really. Then you have the villains who’s just evil for no good reason. Sometimes I just go like, “Wait, why is he evil again in the first place?” Okay there are exceptions, but IMHO they’re few and far in between.

I think that’s why humans and mutants /superheroes can’t get along. People just can’t relate to them. Make them do more human things. Give them quirks. Give them pets. Make ’em go “Aaaaww” over cat pictures. Then invite us to their favourite cafes, and we can talk about mommy /daddy issues, and bond over pet peeves, like how much it sucks when the wifi is down. Is this so hard to do, Hollywood?


*Alternate article title, Why The Incredibles is the Best Superhero Movie

**The most realistic vampire movie I’ve seen to date is, What We Do in the Shadows, a Kiwi production. Not as polished as what Hollywood churns out, but a gem in its own way.

***Misfits gets an honorable mention. But it’s a TV series and not American.

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